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If you know anything about my relationship with film, then you know that I am obsessed with 1980’s T & A flicks. Well, imagine my reaction when I picked up a copy (VERY FUCKING CHEAP) of the 1983 classic; My Tutor? Man oh man, all I could think about was the late nights I stayed up thinking about Caren Kaye and Kitten Natividad…well I guess it’s time I share the finer things in life with you, my faithful readers…Here we go…

My Tutor starts off as most T & A fests do, we meet our gaggle of loser dudes looking to get laid; Crispin Glover as Jack, Clark Brandon as Billy, and the leader of the pack the too-hunky-to-be-a-geek Bobby (Matt Lattanzi). So it turns out that Billy is loaded, he is flunking French, and his asshole dad, (Kevin McCarthy) has hired the best French tutor money could buy…the gorgeous Caren Kaye. For whatever reason Bobby is pissed off because his summer vacation (which consists only of various ways that he tries to get laid) is cut short because he has to spend so much time on French lessons…that is until he catches Terry (Kaye) skinny dipping in the family pool and suddenly he doesn’t mind the lessons. Bonjour! After some lame French lessons, and some hot aerobic scenes, it’s obvious there is a spark between Terry & Bobby but when their first “date” is interrupted by Terry’s ex boyfriend, Don (Bruce Bauer) there is trouble in French lesson paradise…. but not for long, because soon enough Terry and Billy are talking French during the days and fucking all night long. Hot stuff! After Terry refuses advances from Billy’s dad, AND Terry’s ex all hell breaks loose…sort of…and there is this weird sub plot about astronomy…yeah…astronomy.

Ok, I am not going to lie to you…My Tutor is a love story in a T & A disguise…Once Billy and Terry hook up, the cheesy music starts up, the sex scenes become soft focused, and Terry wears a lot more clothes than she did in the first half of the film. That said, I mean, there is a lot of nudity in that first half, so don’t get me wrong, it’s definitely worth the viewing-if that’s all you care about (like me?)

The soundtrack is a weird fucked up mix of left over disco, bad 80’s cover band style “rock” and a lot of soft dentist chair style of music that typically plays every time Billy & Terry fuck. At least the nudity makes up for the taste of vomit you’ll feel in the back of your throat.

In all honesty though, I wouldn’t be surprised if at some point My Tutor is remade, with half (if any) the amount of nudity and starring some up and coming WB star. It has that kind of feel to it. A “timeless” feel (if you will), or a story that could be told over and over with a different cast, you know the type…Can’t buy me love, Just one of the guys, Flesh Gordon meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders…oh, wait, scratch that last one.

Oh, and at NO point does anyone break out into a Beatles song, but Crispin Glover is still really weird/awesome.

Charlie” Come over here my little Bambino, climb the mountain” Brown

People either really love “Cabin Fever,” or hate the movie; there is no middle. Those who don’t like the flick I believe completely miss the point of the movie and can’t appreciate what a gem writer, director Eli Roth has unearthed; the film is brilliant. “Cabin Fever” is a seamless pastiche of the 1970s, early 1980s campy horror movie; Roth resurrects the old horror movie feel and adds his quick wit and dark sense of humour. These combinations of techniques create an infectiously impressive film. It is definitely not a straight to video flick.

The late 1970s into the mid 80s produced an over saturation of horror movies, three were coming out of every week and everyone loved them. By the end of the 1980s, we see movies like “Night of the Living Dead” (1990 ) and the movie is completely comical and is not really a classic horror movie at all. The 1990s saw a huge decline in the horror movie. Eli Roth defied movie critics and refused to accept that horror movies were a thing of the past. In 1995 Eli Roth co-wrote the first draft for “Cabin Fever,” but it was not accepted into the film world because somehow horror movies became un-hip. When “Scream” came out in 1996 a new generation were re-introduced to horror movies. After “The Blair Witch Project” was released in 1999 and gave birth to a new style of horror movie the horror genre became more accepted once more. Finally seven years after Eli wrote “Cabin Fever” movie producers picked up the script and purchased it, as the atmosphere for this new breed of horror movie was appropriate to cash in on.

Eli Roth is just a big horror movie geek. “Cabin Fever” pays tribute to the horror movie’s Roth was raised on and built his repertoire of movie knowledge. Many critics accuse Roth of stealing techniques and shots from other movies and directors. But I don’t see anything wrong with someone paying tribute to films which have inspired you. To say no one or nothing that is created already does not or should not influence us is ridiculous. We can’t help but to assimilate other elements into our own ideas.

In “Cabin Fever” there are elements of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” “Evil Dead,” “Friday the 13th,” very Camp Crystal Lake like feeling and John Carpenters “The Thing.” There are also classic re-creations of scenes from other movies like the original “Dawn of the Dead,” with the memorable screw driver incident and the end sequence of “Night of the Living Dead.” (1968 )

“Cabin Fever” is “Evil Dead” meets “Outbreak” with a soundtrack that is creepy like “Last House on the Left.” It has the spirit of the “Evil Dead” where friends go off to the woods and stay in a cabin, but instead of having a tangible physical villain that is a creature, the bad guy is a virus and they all become a monster within.

In “Cabin Fever,” we find five close friends who have just recently graduated from college and are having one last celebration by renting a little cabin off in the woods. Things take a turn for the worse when they find themselves infected with an unknown disease and as their paranoia sets in the group begin to turn on each other.

The characters are amazing and so well delivered. Each character has such individual appeal. Rider Strong, who you love crazed TGIF fans may recognize as the edgy bad boy best friend Sean on “Boy Meets World.” Rider plays the leading man Paul, a very effective shy boy, a departure from his typical roles of being the confident bad boy. The two leading ladies, Marcy (Cerina Vincent) the sex pot brunette and the shy blonde Karen (Jordan Ladd) are amazing. They are beyond gorgeous. What is better than having two stunning women, sex scenes and breasts? Well – the hot girls becoming horribly disfigured and their bodies mutilated with rot. Beautiful.

James DeBello plays Bert the moronic, jock who still into his 20s likes do tricks with his weenie and talk about dick and fart jokes. As much as he’s an idiot, we love Bert; he’s hilarious and a vivacious character. The supporting characters are just as memorable as the leads. The group is immersed in a southern United States tight knit community, with styles that still feel like the 1970s. The town yokels including Depute Winston (Giuseppe Andrew) as the partier law enforcer, Old man Cadwell (Robert Harris) and Henry the hermit (Arie Verveen,) they all deliver hilarious roles that make you uncomfortable and you don’t know whether to laugh or be disturbed.

The chemistry between the five friends is amazing. I think the key to the film is the believability of the relationships between the characters. They genuinely care for one another and as the disease begins to spread, their fear grows and they question how close they really are. It becomes every man and woman for themselves.

The villain in the film is a disease and no one knows what the cause is. There is no masked man with a knife or gun, nothing is tangible. The fact that it is a flesh eating disease makes the gore all the more disturbing and realistic. Anyone who has seen what a flesh eating disease does to a body; it is as disturbing as any horror movie ever made and Eli does not skimp out on the gore factor. The effects are amazing, I mean they even make shaving looking creepy.

“Cabin Fever” is such a comfort movie for me. As many times as I can watch the movie, and be disturbed by the gore, I can laugh and just have fun. There are tiny little details in the film that you pick up after a few times of watching the movie, I love the fact that Eli took the time to hide little details like that so you can get more from it every time you watch it. “Cabin Fever,” is a fun movie that is memorable and you can watch over and over. If you get a chance to watch the parody of “Cabin Fever”, “Sex Fever” the adult film, it is actually worth it. It’s too funny.

I was disappointed they decided to do “Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever,” set to come out sometime in 2008. Eli is not taking any role in the film; he has stated there is no point to having a second film because there is nothing new to expect if you have seen the first film. It is a disappointment and is clear studios that are making this film just to make money. It is the worst idea since doing “Wild Things 2”

That being said, I have no doubt that horror movies have a future with directors like Eli Roth and the other members of the ‘Splat Pack’ including Rob Zombie, James Wan “SAW,” Neil Marshall “The Descent,” and Alexandre Aja “High Tension.”

My final thoughts: pancakes!

Cheers

Crestfallen

(warning: Spoiler Alerts in closing paragraphs)

I was skeptical to watch the follow up to a House of a 1000 Corpses because of its unique feel. I was nervous that Rob Zombie would attempt to capitalize on the movie and make the same movie a second time, and not only would that ruin the first movie, the second would seem like a washed up version of the first. But when I finally watched The Devils Rejects it soon became a classic for me. It is well worth the time and is not at all like the first movie.

In House of a 1000 Corpses we witness the mayhem and destruction that the sociopathic Firefly family unleashes onto their victims. The story line is primarily viewed through the eyes of the victims and we experience with them the Firefly family’s brutality. The feel of the movie is like an extra long vamped up music video. The Devils Rejects does not take the same approach as the first movie, we view the movie through the eyes of the Firefly family. We get into their heads and see their world and by the end of the flick we end up becoming more sympathetic with the Firefly family. Maybe it is just me, but I definitely ache for the family when they end up getting tortured, even though I witnessed the sadistic shit they did. I attribute the fact that we are able to empathize with the killers because of the remarkable acting and the fact we end up seeing a more personal, non-sadistic side to the Firefly family.

The Devils Rejects has traditional ingredients for a fantastic horror movie, including interesting, memorable and detailed characters, intense gore, unnecessary violence and nudity. The fact that the sets were found as is and very little was done to add to them is also impressive. It is kind of scary that there are places out there that look the way they did without any embellishment. The detailed, dirty and authentic looking locations make the feel scarier. The movie also includes a list of amazing retro actors like Ginger Lynn (Porn Star), Leslie Easterbrook (Police Academy), Ken Foree (Dawn Of The Dead), Pricilla Barns (70’s Icon) E.G. Daily (80’s icon), Geoffrey Lewis and Michael Berryman (The Hills Have Eyes). I also love the fact Brian Posehn who is a voice on Mission Hill and is an actor on Just Shoot Me plays a small part in the movie as Jimmy the goofy roadie. The plethora of amazing characters even with the smallest roles makes the movie’s success.

The Devils Rejects revolves around four main characters in the Firefly family including: Otis Driftwood (Bill Moseley), Baby (Sheri Moon Zombie) Captain Spaulding (Sid Haig) and Mother Firefly (Leslie Easterbrook who replaced Karen Black in House of 1000 Corpses.) All of the characters are amazing and full of depth and uniqueness. Who is not creeped out by Captain Spaulding’s clown persona. Captain Spaudling along with the clown from It just furthers the fact that clowns are freaky! All the characters are all creepy in their own way. I did miss Baby’s creepy laugh.

As the movie begins the Firefly family is sleeping peacefully in their abode and is woken up by Sheriff Wydell (William Forsythe) by opening a firing squad on their house. The scene feels almost sci-fi like when the police unleash chemical warfare on them. There is an intense green fog that cloaks their house that ads this eerie feel to it. Wydell has a personal connection to the Firefly family, they have murdered his brother, George, who is also a member of the police unit. We witness his murder in House of a 1000 Corpses. I am so glad they cast William Forsythe in the movie. There is an old southern gentlemanly like charisma that he exudes. This quality is a dying trait, and few and far between so many actors.

Otis and Baby escape and Mother Firefly is captured by the police. The brother and sister team travel off to get in touch with Captain Spaulding and hide out. They decide to hide out in a motel off the beaten track. Otis and Baby break into a hotel room of Roy Sullivan (Geoffrey Lewis) and his wife Gloria Sullivan (Pricilla Barns) and Adam Banjo (Lew Temple) and wife Wendy Benjo (Kate Norby). The group are a traveling band is taken hostage is one of the most chilling scenes I have ever seen. is incredibly disturbing. The intensity of the desert heat added with the small hotel room and the psychedelic music ads to the psychologically disturbing scene. You can really feel the fear of the victims. My stomach was churning when Otis makes Gloria take her clothes off and he shoves his gun down her underwear.

I have watched The Devils Rejects more times than I can count, and there have been many times I have watched the movie with friends and they refuse to watch any further than this scene, they find it way too disturbing. The power of the scene is due to the amazing acting by all of the actors and specifically the dialogue that Otis has.

The hotel scene is followed with Otis taking Roy and Adam off into the desert to have his way with them and do who knows what to them. Bill Moseley demonstrates that he is one creepy guy. He states “I am the devil. And I am here to do the devil’s work.” I have to admit I was incredibly scared when I saw that scene. Bill pulls off a villain unlike I have ever seen. There is some sort of Charles Manson vibe I get from Otis Driftwood.

There are two divisions to the movie. The first is where the Firefly family are on the run and still in control of the situations. They inflict terror onto the Roy Sullivan band for the fun of it, much like they would have in House of a 1000 Corpses. The second half of the film is clearly different. Baby, Otis and Captain Spaulding hide out at Charlie’s place, a whore house, owned by Charlie Altamont (Ken Foree). The Firefly family now become the victims and are the hunted. We start to see the more human side of them, eating ice cream, having a party and engaging in activities which are not sadistic. We also witness Sheriff Wydell start to go mad with revenge. He hires two goons played Danny Trejo (former criminal and ultimate bad ass) and Dallas Page (wrestler) to fuck them up just enough so Wydell can piss on them. Wydell murders Mother Firefly in her jail cell in an almost sexual kind of fashion. We are unsure if he is raping her, and when the camera pulls back it is clear that he has stabbed her.

The final scene of the movie is epic in my mind. Otis, Baby and Captain Spaulding are driving on the sunny open road in a classic Cadillac convertible, awaiting their fates. They are mortally wounded and they see that ahead is a roadblock with too many police to be able to get by. They know they are fucked. Lynyrd Skynyrd, Free Bird is playing. That is the ultimate all American country, working man song. There is a feeling of unity and family when I hear that song. You see the three of them working out their family differences that they have struggled with. Otis and Captain Spaulding who have continuously argued over who is the alpha male in control finally set aside their differences and they all just pull a Bonnie and Clyde and shoot as many cops as they can before it is too late for them. They have smiles on their faces until the end.

My final note, I am crossing my fingers that Rob Zombie decides to make a third movie about the firefly family. I know, I know, how can he, err—um aren’t they all dead? Well as far as we know, Dr. Satan is still alive and Tiny may or may not be alive, we only see him go towards the Firefly house. Who else knows who is apart of the Firefly family who may pop up again, Mother Firefly was a whore. Hey – do we even know if all of them are dead? I know, I know, wishful thinking. Maybe it is best we leave it as it is. But part of me, selfishly wants to see more.

Cheers

Crestfallen

Welcome to the mad world of Rob Zombie. “House of 1000 Corpses” is like a twisted, demented horror ride at an amusement park and Rob Zombie takes you for the ride of your life. It is an extended music video, with red neck serial killers and a great soundtrack. Say hello, to the 21^st century version of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” It is sick, demented and filled with dark humour. Enter the world of the Firefly family.

It is October 30^th in the 1970s and two young couples are traveling across the US, in search of offbeat road side attractions. The vehicle stops at an odd looking gas station where they meet the crazy but charismatic Captain Spaulding (Sid Haig), who plays the scariest clown since “It”. There they learn of the legend of Dr. Satan while riding the Murder Ride, an attraction at the funky gas station. The foursome is lured into the world of death and mayhem and leave Captain Spaulding with a peaked interest in learning more about the murderous doctor.

Upon leaving the gas station the weather takes a turn for the worse and driving becomes quite difficult. They drive by a woman who is wet from the rain and hitchhiking home alone. They pick her up and soon experience car problems. The group later learns this gorgeous vixen with an obnoxiously scary laugh is Baby Firefly (Sheri Moon Zombie) Baby baits the group into the Firefly house to wait out the weather and attempt to fix their car. The consequences of their decision to go with Baby are dire. As the night turns into day, the group is welcomed into the strange sadistic and erotic world of the Fireflies.

“House of 1000 Corpses” introduces you to the Firefly family and shows us what they are capable of. It is the first full length film created and directed by Rob Zombie, the follow up to the film is “The Devils Rejects” (2005). The biggest difference between the two films is that “House of 1000 Corpses” is witnessed through the view of the victim. We see the four victims being hurled into sadistic mayhem and watch them squirm and attempt to escape the occult they find themselves in. “The Devils Rejects” is witnessed through the villain’s eyes; we get to know the background to what makes this sick family tick. I think you get a better appreciation for “The Devils Rejects” having watched “House of 1000 Corpses” because you see into their world before hand and realize what they can do.

Mother Firefly (Karen Black) is the Lady of the house and quintessential whore, who has produced many children from her Johns to add to her murderous cult. She dresses like a madam in a Bordello. Otis Driftwood (Bill Mosley), one of Mother Firefly’s presumed offspring, is the leader of the household. He has long scraggly hair and gangly pale limbs and executes as one of the creepiest villains I have ever seen in a film. He is a cross between Johnny Winter and Charles Manson.

The film attempts to be as grotesque as strange as it can be. When you think the movie can’t get any weirder, it does and goes further. The death sequences are elaborate and well defined. Rob Zombie has no qualms about showing gore.

Sheri Moon Zombie delivers one of my favourite death sequences of all time, when she chases after one of their victims dressed in a bunny suit. She conveys this sense of sexual desire as she penetrates them with a knife. It is completely disturbing and so cool how it comes off. It is a brilliantly executed scene.

What I love about Rob Zombie’s style is how much attention to detail he pays. He thinks about everything. There is a vintage feel to the film, the costumes and props feel authentically time appropriate. The dirty, grungy feeling is accentuated by the dark colours the movie is filmed in. The putrid shades of brown, red and green that add to the sick feeling you get and only get more intense as the movie gets stranger.

There are “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” elements in the film and you can see where Rob Zombie was inspired by the film but it is not a cookie cutter replica of the 1974 movie. I personally do not see anything wrong with being inspired by a classic film.

“House of 1000 Corpses” grabs you by the scruff of your neck from the beginning of the film and does not let go until the credits roll up. It is a heart pounding, edge of your seat adrenaline rush. After watching the film many times, I appreciate the film on other levels including its comic like feel, its effective dark humour and amazing soundtrack.

Moral of the story: never pick up hitchhikers.

Cheers

Crestfallen

To continue in our quest to help make Cleavagefield the most anticipated film of 2008 since Cloverfield, today we present you with a couple of promos that ended up in my mailbox early this morning.  More info will be reported as soon as we know more…including an upcoming interview with Jim Wynorski.

Charlie

…anyone wanna tell me WHY various searches for sexual acts performed with ones Aunt

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If anyone ever badmouths “Pet Sematary 2” as a “Stephen King Sequel Curse,” you have my permission to sucker punch them in the throat. I first heard about “Pet Sematary 2” back in ‘92 when I saw an advertisement for it on the back of a comic book. It featured an eerie picture of Edward Furlong holding a shovel and some fat kid next to him. That was enough to seal the deal for me, being at the time I was both a huge fan of Edward Furlong and fat kids. A year prior, I had seen the first “Pet Sematary” during Hurricane Andrew (no relation). The power was out in our city, but my friend’s parents had a generator which allowed me to view this classic film for the first time. It scared the living shit out me, namely because of the scenes involving Zelda, the jaundiced and spine-twisted sister. I couldn’t watch that movie again until I was probably 16. I eagerly had my parents bring me to Video Center to rent it and sure enough it was there. I popped that VHS in my room and probably watched it 10 times before I returned. Watching it to this day, it still makes my dick hard.

The film centers on Jeff Matthews (Furlong) who while visiting his actress mother Renee Hallow on a Hollywood set, witnesses her accidental and shocking (literally) death. Wanting to take his son away from LA, Chase Matthews (E.R.’s nerdy Anthony Edwards) brings Jeff to the family’s summer home in Ludlow, Maine. This location is convenient, of course, for two reasons. One, it’s where the original film took place, and two, Chase is a veterinarian. Go figure, right?

Jeff doesn’t fit in well at all in Ludlow, where he’s constantly harassed by school bully, Clyde (played by that annoying neighbor punk from “Honey I Shrunk the Kids”) and feels like the new housekeeper is trying to take his mother’s place. Thankfully, he meets fellow outsider Drew Gilbert (aforementioned fat kid) who is unhappy with his life in Ludlow, particularly because of his cruel and abusive stepfather, Gus, who also happens to be the town’s sheriff. After Gus shoots Drew’s dog, Zowie, he and Jeff bury him in the pet sematary. Sure enough, Zowie comes back mean as hell and attacks Gus by ripping his throat out. In order to cover it up, they bury Gus in the…..you guessed it…pet sematary. Soon everyone is dropping dead and coming back to life and Jeff needs to decide whether or not it’d be a good idea to bring his mother back to life. I think we all know the answer.

Unlike the first film, “Pet Sematary 2” implements some morbid humor throughout, namely from Gus. Most of you will remember his classic quip, “No brain. No Pain. Think about it,” while he attempts to drive a drill into someone’s head. There is no connection between the stories of the first film and the second, although this one goes on to explain some unanswered questions about the Creed family.

When it comes to gore, this film definitely doesn’t hold back. In the first movie, the violence was just terrifying and sick, but here it takes a more slasher film approach, but still delivers chunks of meaty goodness. It’ll also teach you to fear electricity, dogs, sexy dreams, stepfathers, motorbikes, and yes…potatoes.

Do you remember the best part of the first movie? Of course you do. It’s when the credits come out of nowhere blasting the Ramones’ “Pet Sematary”. With Mary Lambert returning as director to this sequel, it’s no shock that the movie ends awesomely with “Poison Heart” by no other than the Ramones. The movie also features a wicked score and some other great soundtrack artists including Traci Lords (you heard me), The Jesus and Mary Chain, and L7.

While it may not be as terrifying as the first, “Pet Sematary 2” definitely delivers a gory, fun, and sometimes creepy ride for those of us that don’t expect sequels to better their originals. I once heard of Lambert in talks to direct a third, but nothing has come of it since. Maybe I’ll bury my copy of part two in the pet sematary and see what happens.

Andrew’s Hidden Message: Dead is better. But not really.