976-EVIL

976EVIL

So in 1989 Robert Englund stopped slicing up people and making one-liners to the camera long enough for him to direct his first feature film; 976-Evil. With a tagline like: “Now, horror has a brand new number” and starring Stephen “Fright Night” Geoffreys (before got heavily involved in gay porn) 976-Evil had a lot to live up to…did it deliver? You can make up your own mind, but if your looking for my humble opinion…976-Evil is 976-Awesome.

First, we meet super nerd “Hoax” (Mr. Geoffreys) who lives with his wacky religious mamma (Sandy Dennis) and across the street from his bad ass cousin “Spike” (Patrick O’Bryan). Spike comes across a business card with the number 976-Evil on it; he calls it, and gets a shitty pre-recorded HORRORscope (get it? Wink wink) via the “evil” phone line. After Spike gets busted for stealing grub from his Aunt Lucy (Hoax’s mom) we find out that she has some kind of financial hold over Spike, and then it starts raining fish…yeah, you read that right. After a shitty day at school for Hoax (getting the shit kicked out of him in the men’s room) we meet a hooker who burns one of the 976 cards, then gets a phone call saying, she can’t do that, cause she “made a deal”, she freaks out, then a nearby window explodes…killing her…so far so good? Anyway, after some more calls to 976-Evil, a few of Spike’s horoscopes start coming true, and the hotline starts calling him! OMG, right? Read on…After he is saved from oncoming traffic by a private investigator who is there to check out the “miracle” of fish falling from the sky named Marty (Jim Metzler), Spike hooks up with his hottie girlfriend; Suzie (Lezlie Deane), meets up with his loser friends (the ones that always beat up Hoax) thus leaving Hoax to sniff around Spike’s place where he finds one of Spike’s 976 cards calls it and (through a bizarre twist of fate) ends up having dinner with Suzie. At dinner the local “punks”(Spike’s douchebag friends) pick on Hoax, leaving Suzie pissed off and embarrassed and leaving Hoax with a taste of revenge in his mouth. After some advice from 976-Evil, Hoax goes fucking nuts, draws some pentagrams and inadvertently kills Suzie with a plethora of tarantulas. Time passes, Marty does some undercover work trying to get to the bottom of what is going on, Hoax turns into a demonic monster hell bent on revenge and the shit hits the fan.

It’s like Revenge of the Nerds meets The Exorcist meets Sleepless in Seattle…

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This movie really needs to be seen to be believed…it’s all over the fucking place, literally. You get the awesome Stephen Geoffreys (who is like a cross between a drunken Michael J. Fox and Axl Rose), you get stereotypical movie “punks” who like to do things like beat up dumpsters and play strip poker together, and you get possession via phone…oh yeah baby.

Not only did our favorite-gloved one direct this epic, but also rumor is he was one of the two writers. All in all…he did a good job. It’s quite an original concept, and some of the shots (like the cat eating the woman) were not only creepy but highly effective…HOWEVER STILL I really don’t think I can convey the zaniness of this movie, don’t get me wrong though…it’s great…it’s weird…and it’s fucking fun.

It’s creepy, it’s gory, it’s got naked goodness and it’s making me wish Geoffreys DIDN’T go down the porn road and stuck to the horror genre…he’s really good at it…(now, maybe I am pre-judging his porn career, I haven’t seen any of his films…titles like “Latin Crotch Rockets” and “Halfway House Hunks” sound like they could be scary…so who knows?)…either way, rumor is he is back in the horror business and I can’t wait to see Geoffreys with his clothes on…

Long live Evil Ed!

Charlie “I only meant to scare her” Brown

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~ by exploitnation on March 2, 2008.

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