Gwendoline

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Before she was reality-show-crazy, Tawny “Here I go again on my own” Kitaen was fucking hot. Anyone who saw Bachelor Party in 1984 was wishing that she would be spending more time on the screen getting naked… but not all hope was lost… there was ANOTHER Kitaen film from the early 80’s… a sleezy little piece of trash called “Gwendoline” (aka The Perils of Gwendolin in the land of Yik yak) or as I like to call it…Hot Naked girls meets Big Trouble in Little China.

The film starts off with our girl Tawny (as the title character: Gwendoline) who arrives in China via a wooden crate. She is whisked off to some Chinese gangsters hideout where she is manhandled until some hunky dude named Willard (Brent Huff) shows up and kills off her capturers, we then find out that she is in China looking for her long last father who went missing while searching for some kind of butterfly. After some hijinks involving Gwendoline, Willard and Gwendoline’s sidekick Beth (Zabou Breitman), the three go on adventure to the land of Yik Yak in search of Gwendoline’s father which take the trio onto a boat, through the desert, into a rain forest, and then encounter a group of Amazonian-like women (who are comparable to some S & M gang), which are mining for diamonds and are planning a human sacrifice to some mountain god that they believe will spit out diamonds…or something like that…Do you really care? I mean its Tawny Kitaen…naked! Oh, and I forgot there is this weird subplot about Gwendoline being a virgin, she is SO worried about it that even when she is on the brink of death she is worried that the first time she gets laid she is worried she wont be any good.

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Seriously?

It’s easy to tell that writer/director Just Jaeckin was going for a Barbarella in the forest kind of thing, but fuck, it’s just not funny-and Kitaen may be hot, but she’s no Jane Fonda. The “effects” are on par with a made for TV film, and there isn’t ONE likable character. Between ridiculous action scenes featuring horrible music played incredibly loud overtop and horrible one liners between Gwendoline & Willard lays a strange adventure (maybe?) film with plenty of naked girls running around on set that look like a ride at Universal Studios circa 1982. At times the film tries to be a comedy, then a romantic film, then back to an “adventure” epic, but this is all just a mask to what it really is…an excuse to show topless girls. I am not complaining but seriously, anyone who tells me this is on par with any of the Indiana Jones films and/or Big Trouble in Little China just doesn’t want to admit that they were hoping for Tawny to get topless the whole time. Plenty of the scenes and dialogue are borderline unwatchable-however the real offender here is this absurd love story between Gwendolin & Willard (not to mention Brent Huff is probably one of the most annoying men I have ever seen in ANY film) and their horrible back and forth “He loves me, he loves me not” bullshit. No one fucking cares. The idea that these two people (who lack any sort of chemistry) would fall in love while going on this silly hunt is laughable…it’s not JUST exploitative I actually feel dumber after watching it.

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That said, I am kind of bummed there wasn’t a sequel as I am a glutton for punishment…or I just really like seeing naked ladies.

Charlie “Go take a bath, you stink” Brown

Ps. Did I mention there are a lot of naked women in this film?

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~ by exploitnation on March 2, 2008.

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