My Bloody Valentine

my_bloody_valentine_dvd.jpg

You don’t think Canada has a place in history for producing horror classics, eh? Put down the latest WB PG13 “horror” piece of shit and do yourself a favor…It’s time to go to small town Nova Scotia and see what a slasher film REALLY is…

…My Bloody (fucking) Valentine (eh)!

How’s this for starters: FIRST scene of the movie…Guy and Girl go down a mineshaft to hump. How romantic. They ever so carefully wear their gas masks on the way down, but once down there the girl removes her mask, (she looks oddly like Christopher Walken with a blond wig), and the dude (we never see his face) stabs her through her heart tattoo (which looks more like a sharpie drawing than a tattoo), and BAM: “My Bloody Valentine” flashes across the screen and YOU get goose bumps.

mbv05.jpg

We are told that today is Thursday Feb 12 and we cut to a gang of horny miners all showering together talking about all the ways they plan to deflower the local girls after the Valentines Day dance. Oh, and did I forget to mention the small mining town they all live in is called “Valentine’s Bluff”? (wink wink)… After some discussion we find out that this is the first Valentines Day dance in 20 years. (“Why” you ask? Hold your horses cowboy, these things take time!)… Some lame pick up lines show us exactly who is and isn’t going to get laid out of our gang of “heroes” and we meet “T.J” (Paul Kelman) a man who works with all the miners, but the other guys don’t dig him cause he doesn’t treat the local girls QUITE as shitty as the other miners do. After Mayor Hanniger (Larry Reynolds) receives a human heart and a warning to not have the dance he alerts the police that the shit is going to hit the fan. Next comes the flashback scene…the local drunk tells the boozehound miners about exactly what happened that caused our little town to postpone the Valentine’s festivities for 20 years…. we find out that 20 years ago, on Valentine’s Day a group of miners were in a rush to get to the Valentine’s Day dance, so they shut down without turning off the methane gas and not doing a proper headcount, there is an explosion, and everyone except Harry Warden (Peter Cowper) died in the explosion, Harry was committed then released one year later. Upon his release Harry killed the supervisors who left him down in the mineshaft and nailed their hearts to people’s doors and/or filled candy boxes WITH bloody hearts. According to the barkeep/local drunk Harry returns every Valentine’s Day to kill whoever happens to be mulling around…So to make a long story short: in Valentine’s Bluff, Valentine’s Day doesn’t exist (for fear of Harry’s murderous ways), until today. Got it?

cap1159pi.jpg

While our decorator “Mable” (Patricia Hamilton) gets offed by a madman with a gas mask & pickaxe we learn that T.J. & “Axel” (Neil Affleck) are fighting over Sarah (Lori Hallier). It seems that T.J. used to go out with Sarah but then “went away” for a while and while he was gone Howard moved in on Sarah and the rest…is Valentine’s Bluff history. One more thing: the mental hospital has no record of a patient named Harry Warden…. eerie, eh? I am not doing it justice, it actually is.

As people start dying the officials decide the only safe thing to do is cancel the dance, and what do the miners and girls decide to do???

HAVE A VALENTINE’S PARTY IN THE MINE SHAFTS!!!

Of course.

People fight, people die, and people drink beer out of stubby bottles-it’s so cute and Canadian. After a lengthy (but bite-your-nails-tense) underground run and chase sequence we’re down to a small handful of survivors and it all culminates in a twist ending that M. Knight would be proud of and then a crazy uncredited song (which sounds suspiciously like Canada’s own Gordie Lightfoot) plays you are left wanting a sequel.

my_bloody_valentine.jpg

The kill scenes are well thought out, and Paul Zaza’s score is fucking great. At times it sounds like Fantasia, at other times it sounds like the music on The Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyworld. The movie itself looks great considering the amount of time that is spent in the mineshafts. It would have been real easy for this movie to consist of a bunch of black screens (ala old Texas Chainsaw Massacre prints), but it’s wonderfully clear and the detail is impeccable.

This movie kicks ass. It’s a typical post Friday the 13th slasher film from the 80’s. It’s got gore, implied nudity, moustaches and crazy mad man poetry. “The Miner” has all the makings of a franchise killer that could have EASILY spawned a bunch of sequels and giving Canada their own Jason Voorhees but no, director George Mihalka dropped the ball by NOT giving us a part 2, 3,4, etc. I do have an idea how we can fix this thou…I think writer, John Beaird should sue the fucking pants off Kevin “I know what you did last summer” Williamson (because it’s virtually a remake of My Bloody Valentine) and with the winnings he should head back to Nova Scotia and begin work on those sequels.

Seriously though, as I mentioned “I know what you did last summer”, and all of “those” kind of WB horror movies owe so much to My Bloody Valentine…even if they don’t know it. I know Williamson has given props to MBV in the past, and I also know that IKWYDLS was actually based on a book written by Lois Duncan so I can’t completely blame Williamson for his blatant “homage” to MBV, but honestly, put Jennifer Love Hewitt in a miner’s outfit and Freddie Prinze Jr in a gas mask and it’s the same film…just set in Canada and with a little more tension. Luckily, MBV IS on DVD, and the print Paramount released looks and sounds stunning, however apparently 9 minutes of gore was cut BEFORE the release in 1981 and even though you would have expected it to be restored for the DVD release, sadly it wasn’t.

protectedimagephp.jpg

Let’s hope we get an uncut special edition on this one some day…

In the meantime, rent it…better yet, call Jennifer Love Hewitt over, then call me over, then leave so we can watch it without you bugging us and we’ll tell you how it ends.

Charlie “I showed you how to do it with the left nostril right?” Brown

Advertisements

~ by exploitnation on March 25, 2008.

2 Responses to “My Bloody Valentine”

  1. […] Me” Atkins is going to be starring in the upcoming remake, errr, 3D (!!!) remake of My Bloody Valentine. Tom is a genre staple starring in a couple of MY faves Halloween 3 & Night of the Creeps and […]

  2. This movie makes me proud to be Canadian. Wicked slasher flick. One of the best ever made.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: