The New Kids


While it’s NOT really a horror movie, nor is it a T & A film 1985’s: The New Kids falls into the same category as The Wrath or maybe even Rad-that mid 80’s “pseudo-action-thriller-drama-revenge-coming of age” genre. You know the kind of talking about… Directed by Sean (if you don’t know who he is then what are you doing here?) Cunningham and starring the gorgeous Lori Loughlin (in her unbelievably cute teenage years)..check it out yo.

After Abbie (Loughlin) and brother Loren (Shanon Presby) McWilliams’ parents are killed in an auto accident, their Uncle Charlie (Eddie Jones) takes the kids under his wing and moves them out to Florida. In Florida, the kids are put to work at Charlie’s tourist trap gas station/santa themed amusement park and sent out to their new school where they are harassed by the teenage gang led by the always creepy James Spader (looking slightly albino-ish) as Eddie Dutra. While Eddie & his gang all make a bet to see who can bang Abbie first we are introduced to his entire loser crew (which includes John Philbin…Chuck from Return of the Living Dead!!!) and a bunch of throwaway motherfuckers not worth mentioning (considering the Spader/Philbin tag team-I mean really….???). Anyway after failed attempts from Spader & his gang to deflower her, Abbie takes a liking to an uber-nerd named Mark (Eric Stoltz) and Loren goes after the sheriff’s daughter (the “holy fuck she’s hot” Paige Lyn Price). After the gang vandalizes Charlie’s car, the amusement park, kills off some of the animals from their petting zoo and kidnaps Abbie the film climaxes at Uncle Charlie’s amusement park, and the obligatory cat & mouse story takes place between the new kids and Dutra’s gang. It’s pretty fucking awesome as most of the deaths from here on out involve Ferris Wheels & Tilt-A-Whirls.


What can I say? The shorts are short, the girls are bra-less and there is nothing like a “thriller” set an amusement park, is there?

If you can watch The New Kids and NOT fall in love with Lori Loughlin then YOU don’t have a pulse-I mean in the 80’s it was always a hell of a treat to see her in ANYTHING (then a little show called ‘Full House’ came around and ruined it all of course), but besides Lori we get the ever-amazing Spader in another one of his bad guy roles that the guy was BORN for…it’s fucking classic Spader, classic. On top of that Presby is pretty good as the over protective brother who wont take shit from anyone and Jones as Uncle Charlie is very Hoyt Axton-ish. It’s all good.


Besides some dead animals, there is no gore, so let’s move onto the music…The score is fucking nuts! The fact that it took two people (Michael Rubini AND Lalo Schifrin) to come up with this elevator/sex ed film drab is inexcusable! When the “music” is not sounding like touchy feely bullshit it sounds like it’s ripped from an episode of the fall guy. Cunningham…what were you thinking? Why couldn’t you just hire Harry Manfredini like the old days?


All in all, The New Kids is a great gem of a film without a lot of notoriety-grab a copy and wish along with me that Lori Loughlin never met John “Uncle Jesse” Stamos.

Charlie “Did you wack off too much last night?” Brown


~ by exploitnation on March 27, 2008.

6 Responses to “The New Kids”

  1. Man, Lori Loughlin! The object of my affection in my youth. I had a movie called “Secret Admirer”, starring her, C. Thomas Howell and Kelly Preston, on tape back then and I can´t remember how many times I watched that film. Then, she moved into the Full House and John Stamos entered the scene and that´s when the innocence of my youth died. That´s when I took to drinking…

  2. Oh I know secret admirer…you can expect a review of it shortly.

  3. Great! Looking forward to it. I haven´t even checked if that one is released on DVD. It´s been ages since I saw it… I hope it still holds up. I do remember that we had the great pleasure of seeing Kelly Preston topless and that´s never a bad thing.

  4. I just watched it recently-it still holds up…it’s a little more romantic comedy-ish than I remembered but good none the less.

  5. Wasn´t the almighty Fred Ward in that one, too? “Remo – Unarmed and Dangerous”… Man, that brings back memories.

  6. Yeah he’s kelly’s dad. Awesome.

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