Return to Savage Beach

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Holy fuck, Malibu Films you’ve done it again.
Have you seen “Savage Beach”?
I haven’t…yet. However, I have seen “RETURN to Savage Beach” and baby, you’re gonna love this one.

Return to Savage Beach (1998) written and directed by the Malibu Films main dude; Andy Sidaris marks another notch in his belt for how many large breasted women and chiseled ab’s men he can have running around Texas in a story about terrorism that makes no sense. Unlike my last review of The Dallas Connection (a film by Andy’s son Christian Sidaris-still under the Malibu Films banner), the girls are not the enemy in Return to Savage Beach (well, most of them that is)…and it doesn’t fucking matter if they are good or bad, it just matters that it is another Sidaris film burning up my DVD player tonight…

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…and away we go…

Julie Strain stars as “Willow Black” the leader of the L.E.T.H.A.L. ladies (a sort of hyperized version Charlie’s Angels who each have male counterparts). After we meet the usual crew of Sidaris stars like Julie K. Smith, Kevin Eastman, Rodrigo Obregon, Gerald Okamura, Carrie Westcott, Shae Marks & even Marcus “Buff” Bagwell we find out the L.E.T.H.A.L crew are all pissed off because there is a crew of terrorists hanging out in Texas who are importing guns into the good ole U.S of motherfucking A. The terrorists (all 2 of them) steal a boat belonging to L.E.T.H.A.L. Agents Tiger (the amazing Shae Marks) & her sidekick Tyler (Cristian Letelier) they chase them off, and kill the terrorists while blowing up their boat-oh well, such as life. While the members of the L.E.T.H.A.L. crew are all at their palaces celebrating their victory, a break in occurs at their top-secret offices by a sexy pizza delivery chick named Sofia (Carrie Westcott). It appears that Sofia broke in and stole some secret L.E.T.H.A.L. files that held information about a shipment of gold that went missing during WWII and was more or less washed up on Savage Beach (a beach full of military “bandits” who wanted to keep the gold)…but then the gold was returned to the Philippines government, then stolen again and is now missing…or something along those lines…it’s hard to tell…Tyler looks into the camera & tells us this word for fucking word and it still went over my head. What I did manage to catch is that it’s up to the L.E.T.H.A.L. team to retrieve the gold…I thought…but then there is talk of a missing computer disc that holds the location of Savage Beach…and then mention of a Philippine traitor…then there’s a guy who wears a phantom of the opera mask…then flashback scenes from other Sidaris films…then Buff Bagwell shows up…then Julie K Smith strips…and then, and then, and then.

Through some soft-core sex scenes and some over the top fight scenes the L.E.T.H.A.L. crew find the missing computer disc, find Savage Beach, and…you’ll have to watch the rest to find out…if you can make sense of it.

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The moral of this story…Sidaris movies are fucking insane!!! The ideas are all there, but they so virtually unintelligible, you can’t tell who is good and who is bad. Filled with constant plot twists, naked ladies, naked men, stripping montage scenes and all things that make late night TV fun, they are truly something that you have to see first hand and not just read about. As usual, the actors/actresses aren’t giving Oscar winning performances and the music is borderline porno music-however Sidaris had a faithful crew of hotties always churning out fun movies. I really WANT to say if you have seen one Sidaris movie you have seen them all, but I think Sidaris & his gang deserve way more credit than that. While my review my not be the most flattering sounding, I truly love these fucking movies. The girls are always hot, the production quality is always amazing, everyone knows Kung Fu and everything eventually explodes. What is there NOT to like?!

That said my recommendation is if you haven’t seen any Sidaris/Malibu films movies before I advise this is NOT the best one to start with as it was writer/director Andy Sidaris’ last film (before his death in March 2007) and even though I am not reviewing them in order I HAVE seen almost all of them in order so they make more sense to me than a first time viewer…

…yet my review made no sense…well…it’s hard when you have this much coming at ya, like you do in a Sidaris film. Oh well, trust me-Return to Savage Beach is another A+ for a B movie and a auteur who deserves more respect than he receives.

Charlie “I don’t think getting dead was on their agenda.” Brown

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~ by exploitnation on April 3, 2008.

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