Creepshow 3

Have you ever seen a movie that just puts you in a bad mood? Well, I knew when I saw the shitty CGI cartoon opening (replacing the EC comic style of the previous Creepshow films), I was in for a long ride. At least I don’t disappoint myself…

Creepshow 3….

Act one…We meet a super grumpy teenage girl named Alice (Stephanie Pettee) who hates her suburban white collar family. She comes home from school to find her dad has bought a universal remote control from some vendor down the street. He fucks with it a little bit and next thing you know Alice’s family is replaced with African American counterparts of her family, THEN Hispanic counterparts of her family, THEN for no reason she ends up in a world where she is deformed and her limbs are falling off. Alice then decides to go to her neighbor’s house, eats and drinks a bunch of his food (wedding cakes, milk, etc) then turns into a rabbit!!! You’re wondering “What the fuck?” So was I. It sort of reminds me of the John Ritter movie “Stay Tuned” mixed with “Alice in Wonderland” except not as good as either of those films/stories and is just fucking pointless.

Next we meet a security guard named, Jerry (AJ Bowen) who lives in some beat up apartment that inhabits a crew of pimps and whores. Jerry goes for a walk, meets a crazed homeless man and buys a radio off of him. While Jerry is at home getting drunk and listening to horse races on his new radio it starts talking to him-yes, that’s right, the radio starts talking to him (voiced by Cara Cameron). The radio starts acting like a really possessive wife, telling Jerry to clean the house, make dinner, and invest in mutual funds! After Jerry steals $300 grand from his pimp neighbor Leon (Akil Wingate), he kills his OTHER neighbors and is investigated by Detective Jacobs (Roy Abramsohn) who was Alice’s dad in the FIRST story. The radio instructs Jerry to move away and Leon’s main prostitute Eva (Elina Madison) goes on the run with Jerry. The radio tells Jerry to kill Eva, instead he smashes the radio, Eva kills Jerry THEN Leon kills Eva…and now Leon has his own talking radio. It aint easy being a pimp, yo.

Third time’s a charm? Maybe…So now we meet Rachel (Camille Lacey), a murderous whore who works for Leon (our pimp from the SECOND story-do you see the theme here?) Rachel gets a call from a kid named Victor (Ryan Carty) to come by and fuck him as his parents are out of town for the weekend. She drives to his home (just down the street from Alice’s house from the FIRST story) and he just seems like the typical dorky virgin kid. The two head upstairs to fuck and WE see that Victor’s family are all in the dining room, hanging, with their throats slit. Rachel stabs the shit out of Victor with the worst retracting knife I have even seen and takes a shower. When she gets out of the shower she heads back to the bedroom only to find that Victor isn’t dead, he actually has a big rubber demonic face and he proceeds to eat her…THEN he goes golfing. Wow.

In the fourth segment we get to explore the world of Professor Dayton (Emmet McGuire) the neighbor from the FIRST segment. It appears he is getting married (hence the wedding cake from earlier). He’s a wacky old man who has a pet rabbit named “Alice” (get it?) who is working on a secret experiment that two nosey dudes who were checking out Rachel in the THIRD segment are asking him about. The dudes are visiting their old college professor and are in town for his wedding, to a girl that is 3 times his younger, Kathy (Bo Kresic). She seems like the perfect girl, and the dudes can’t imagine when or how Dayton met this hottie-so the dudes assume Kathy is a robot and THAT is Dayton’s secret experiment. While Dayton goes out to run an errand, the idiot dudes dissect Kathy because they think she is a robot-it turns out she was just a mail order bride with amnesia and they just murdered her. Yes, it’s as fucking stupid as it sounds.

Finally we get to the tail end of Creepshow 3…if you’ve made it this far…we meet some douchebag racist, sexist, pill-poppin’ physician, named Dr. Farwell (Kris Allen) who is working at a free clinic. He inadvertently kills a homeless man by giving him a dirty hot dog (that he bought off the creepy hot dog vendor from the opening cartoon), has no regard for his patients and is just an all around asshole. He then starts seeing the ghost of the homeless man he killed, goes to see Victor from the THIRD segment at some fucked up drug party. Victor’s party turns into a feeding ground for him and his demon friends and the good Doctor passes out, then dies a couple days later due to the homeless man following him around with his haunted hot dog. In the meantime Professor Dayton from the FIRST and FOURTH segment meets the homeless man from the SECOND segment and buys a voodoo book off of him, reanimates his wife, marries her and drives away with her and his pet bunny, Alice.

What’s the professor’s secret experiment? IF it turns out to be Creepshow 4, I am going to gouge my eyes out.

I really wanted to give this a good review. I have heard everyone talk about how shitty this film is, and while it isn’t the worst movie I have ever seen it certainly isn’t the Citizen Kane of horror anthologies. The stories aren’t scary OR creepy, fuck, they aren’t even funny, sadly they are just stupid and barely watchable. The idea of the stories intertwining is an interesting concept but the way it’s done is more like a really shitty Pulp Fiction and it certainly doesn’t make this any better. There is NO reason why the name “Creepshow” is even attached to this piece of shit other than to attempt to cash in on a franchise that died before it got started. In fact, if this wasn’t called Creepshow I MAY have actually enjoyed it to some degree but going into this and knowing how much I loved Creepshow 1 & 2, this movie just made me mad…If I wasn’t writing this review I would have checked out somewhere around the point the radio started nagging Jerry.

The ONLY thing saving this from being an absolute waste of time is Chris Anderson’s surprisingly excellent score…I would say I look forward to more from him but considering his next production is the score for “Elf Bowling the Movie: The Great North Pole Elf Strike” I am not holding my breath.

Skip this straight to video piece of shit and breakout Creepshow 1 & 2 if you want a great couple of anthologies.

Charlie “Don’t even fuck with commodity” Brown

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~ by exploitnation on May 1, 2008.

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