Teeth

I first heard about “Teeth” over a year ago after its initial premiere at Sundance when it was involved in a hardcore battle between studios trying to outbid each other for distribution rights. The plot was intriguing, the promise of gore alluring, and well…a man-eating vagina was just too hard to pass up in terms of curiosity. Unfortunately, this film is all bark and very little bite. Figuratively speaking.

“Teeth” is a cautionary tale of sorts, revolving around the soon-to-be exploits of goodie-two-shoes Dawn (Jess Weixler). Dawn, along with her friends, belongs to a pro-abstinence group that teaches children of all ages the importance of waiting until marriage. If you were like me and went to a private school, you’ll remember these fucking assholes putting on performances and speeches that made you wish you were in your Algebra 2 class instead of the gymnasium watching some dimwit used an apple as a symbol of purity. Dawn meets Tobey (Hale Appleman) through her friends and immediately crushes on him. Tobey claims he is a virgin “in His eyes” since he gave into temptation a year earlier. Soon, the two realize that the sexual tension between them is enormous and that they would be better off not hanging around each other. Next thing you know, they’re making out in a lake when Tobey, blue-balled beyond repair, goes a little too far and attempts to rape Dawn. A moment later, his dick has been bitten off and he collapses into the lake, eventually going missing. Dawn soon realizes that the myth of “Vagina Dentata” or in lamens terms, “Teeth in Your Snatch” may be all too real. Soon, she’s out like some vigilante heroine, biting the members off of those who are trying to exploit her purity…particularly in the case of her perverse and ill-tempered step brother, Brad (“Nip/Tuck’s” John Hensley).

I don’t see the big fucking deal about this movie, honestly. Dawn was the worst main character in terms of relating to her. As I said, the film is somewhat of a cautionary tale, and I understand the subtext of the film, but it all felt a bit too obvious and poorly written. According to “Teeth”, every guy you ever meet is going to either rape you, have a bet that they can sleep with you, or if you’re a gynecologist—stick an ungloved hand into your vagina to get their rocks off. I understand that movie needed a reason to have shit bitten off, but could you make it a bit more believable? Dawn’s an attractive girl, but I don’t think The Rape Squad would be that dedicated to one person’s vagina.

Watching this film, I’m reminded of why I’m not a virgin and why sex before marriage is actually an important thing. But I don’t think that was this movie’s goal. Watching these characters piss around about sex like it’s the end of the world is almost unbearable, subtext or not. The film also seems to exploit Dawn by constantly showing you close ups of her tugging the hem of her skirt or attempting to masturbate. It teeters on the verge of exploitation by trying to rile you up with this girl and her dilemma, so by the time they FINALLY show her topless, you’re just like “I really don’t care anymore.” The film has some decent gore sequences, but nothing to shit your pants over. If you haven’t seen a film with a severed dick by now, then you’ll probably be shocked by what you see. However, if you actually watch horror movies on a regular basis, you won’t even consider flinching. Oh well, it just gives Dimension Extreme more of a reason to distribute it.

Though I wasn’t blown away by this film, I would still recommend it to most of you looking for something slightly new. There’s quality acting, some great cinematography, and enough blood to get you by until the credits. But when the end of the movie comes, and Dawn finally looks at the screen with a realizing stare…you’re going to be quite upset that you already knew what she was thinking even before she did.

Andrew’s Hidden Message: Use it or lose it.

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~ by exploitnation on May 26, 2008.

2 Responses to “Teeth”

  1. I got the DVD the other day but haven´t had the time to see it yet. Mainly because I´m a lazy bastard. Anyhow, I think it seems very interesting and I am sad to hear that you didn´t like it that much. I´ve come to realize that you guys are pretty reliable and that we pretty much share the same taste, so this doesn´t bode well. I´ll try to watch it this weekend and let you know what I thought. It´s an awesome premise: a girl with teeth in her vagina… Come to think of it, I think I dated a girl like that a while back.

  2. …I don’t know man, me & crestfallen differ on a lot of films – not that, that is a bad thing, but not all of our opinions are the same…personally, I have no interest in teeth, but that’s more because I have little interest in ANYTHING that came out music or film-wise after 1994.

    -Charlie

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